BITTER OLD MAID

I didn't have many friends as a child as we were quite poor and moved around frequently. The "not poor" kids were cruel and I was never in one school long enough to forge any bonds with other lonely poor kids. 

When I was 13 My mother planted our butts at her mom's house in Wayne Lakes Ohio. An absolutely wonderful place with many cherished memories. The best part was that we lived there for almost 5 years. Jr High wasn't much better than grade school, but I did make a few tentative friendships that really flourished in High School. I am still friends with most of them today, although from a great distance. 

See, right before I turned 18, my grandmother passed away and my mother took us right back to California. I have lived there for the majority of the rest of my life up until almost two years ago. 

I sort of followed in my mother's footsteps in the way that I tend to move around a lot. And I HATE IT. 

But that isn't the reason for today's blog....   Human Nature...

In having lived roughly 13 years of my life in Barstow, California, I have made many friends there. Most of which have stabbed me in the back. Now, I have lived in A LOT of different places, making friends everywhere I go, but I usually don't stick around long enough to become real close to anyone. And if I haven't let you into my heart, then you can't hurt me. 

I get it. Kind of. The mentality, human's most basic instinct, of do whatever it takes to get you and yours to the top, regardless of those insignificant people you trample on the way. You have to do for your family. Sure. OK. 

I must have evolved enough to be missing that particular instinct. I STILL let some of those backstabbers call me their friend! Yes, I'm a welcome mat. But it's not because I let people take advantage of me. Once my trust is broken, it is permanently broken. There's no going back. 

It's because I am a lover, a giver, a helper. I hold doors open for strangers, say excuse me if I have to walk in front of somebody to get to the produce section, give the other car the right away even if it's mine. 

I am the one that helps all my friends and acquaintances move all their crap, babysits for free, and switches shifts with you last minute because you have a blind date. And I never ask anybody for anything because I don't want to be a burden.

Why am I like that? Because it is MY human nature. Because I would like to have a friend that would be there for me if I needed one. 

My closest friends are the ones I never see and never talk to. They are the ones that I will have a great conversation with once ever other year then think about how much I miss them. 

Then I think maybe I need a change of scenery again. Maybe I need to find greener pastures. Maybe go east, closer to my my closest yet furthest away friends. Then I think, NO, I'm NOT going to drag my kids all over this country like my mother did. 

I understand the bitter old maid. I'm turning into one. Because I hate people. Even if I AM overly nice to them. I really do hate them and try wholeheartedly to avoid them.

MY MANTRA:  "AN YE HARM NO ONE, DO AS YE WILL"